In addition to all the knowledge I’ve gained about the mechanics of growing marijuana in the past months, I’ve learned a few things about myself. As much as I’ve enjoyed living under the self-delusion that I’m laid back, centered, and downright oozing mellow, I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ve been fooling myself. I’ve discovered that sometimes I miss the routine and regularity of a traditional job; occasionally I find myself missing the high that came with tackling a huge project and knocking it out of the park; and….although I hate to come clean on this one… I miss having people to boss around!
Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
So sue me, it’s true. I spent over eighteen years in managerial positions where there were always multiple people hard at work doing what I told them to do. I like to think I was a good boss – mostly reasonable, fun when possible, an advocate for my teams, etc. Nevertheless, they worked for me.
These days I’m sadly lacking employees. There’s my fish, Keith….who doesn’t say much. There are the kids; but I try not to take my power-trips out on them, and there’s Jake – who is so easy going it’s hardly worth the trouble bossing him around…and thank God for that little fact! Two of me would be a recipe for disaster.
Additionally, I’ve noticed I’m addicted to a particularly frenetic life-pace. Slowing down to enjoy the benefits of working at home and having no deadlines has been wayyyy harder – I mean infinitely more difficult -than I ever thought it would be.
Somewhat unsuccessfully, I’ve been trying to take my foot off the gas and enjoy the fact that my primary responsibility right now is learning to grow amazing medicine. The time spent buried in my plants is fantastic but I’m still struggling to just enjoy the ride. Now that I’m in the growing groove, the time on task is really quite manageable. I could be taking time to meditate or read a novel. I could be writing more or even, gasp, doing absolutely nothing on occasion.
Somehow, though, I haven’t been able to shake the messed-up perception that because I’m not working a “real job,” I’m doing nothing of value. I’ve been more productive than I ever was when I worked in a traditional setting. I’m publishing and publicizing my food, health and wellness blog like a maniac. I’m cooking for family and blog constantly, exercising regularly, and feeling more stressed than ever. That’s just messed up.
The plan is to get this business off the ground before my unemployment runs out, and here’s hoping – because if I have to go back to some sucky traditional job, how ticked off will I be at myself that I didn’t enjoy my time in jeans and flip flops?
It’s been, and I suspect will continue to be, an interesting journey from Miss Bossy-Pants toward Mellow Marijuana Mama. No, I can’t say I’ve been successful leaving behind the life of wand waving and people jumping, where I’m financially rewarded for a job well done, and where my ego is stroked with titles; but I can say it has been – and continues to be – an exercise in letting go of the hyperactivity, of the type-A traits, and most of all, of the ego. I’ll keep you abreast of my progress….ohmmmmm.